(This post is the 4th post in a series of posts about pornography from a couple who asked us to share their story on our site anonymously. Here are links to the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd posts if you have not yet read them.)
The Third Fall and Rising from the Ashes
When our oldest child was a toddler and I was in the first trimester of pregnancy with our second, my husband confessed that he had slipped back into lusting after pornographic images again. Each time he fell, he didn’t fall quite as far into darkness as before, but for whatever reasons, each fall was increasingly more devastating for me. Maybe it was the emotions of pregnancy, but this one pushed me over the edge. I had few words in response to his confession, just bitter tears and anger. I picked up our toddler, put him into his stroller and left. I walked and prayed for a long time. I just wanted to walk forever and never come back. I wanted to leave all of that pain behind me and just go forward with my life. I am ashamed to say that I wanted to hurt my husband as badly as he had hurt me, and the only way I knew to do that was to leave him.
I thank God for stopping me. As I walked, I finally quit thinking about all of my pain and looked into the eyes of my son, my firstborn son, who adores his Daddy more than anyone else on earth. And I thought about the baby I was carrying inside of me. I knew in that moment that I could never leave and that my husband’s soul and our family life together was worth fighting for. I turned around and went home.
While I had been gone, my husband had experienced a life-changing moment himself. He “came to himself” and had a “broken and contrite heart.” He realized that he had two choices before him. He could choose to continue in his lust and sin, leave our family, and go revel in whatever sin and selfish choices he desired. Or he could stay, cling to God, and never look at another picture of a woman to lust after her again. There was no middle ground. He knew that leaving would mean total separation from God and his family; and he realized that the choice before him wasn’t even a choice. He would stay, and he would walk in the light.
“Each choice to view pornography is a choice against friendship with God.”
Heirs Together At Last
I’m so thankful to God for His grace and mercy. He has forgiven us both of our sins and because of Him, we can continue to live as heirs together in the grace of life. I don’t know exactly what happened in my husband’s heart that day during the summer of 2008. He doesn’t understand it either. But he had a seismic mental shift that led him to make the choice to throw off the temporal pleasures of his lust and seek the Lord with all of his heart. He describes that he felt no more resistance to the change that really needed to happen. He lost fear of his sin being exposed. In fact, I was amazed when, soon after that life-changing day, he confessed his past sins to a room full of Christian men so they could pray for the healing of our relationship. He was willing to do anything in order to stop sinning, and to this day, he walks in the light. We finally have purity in our marriage, enjoying God’s blessing as He intended.
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”
-1 Corinthians 10:13